By Elanchezhian Palanivelu
September 2018
This is an excerpt from my first-degree blackbelt writing. Since then I have evolved as a parent but the experiences shared here remain just as real and relevant today.
When we started martial arts, we didn’t have a way of raising kids. Mostly it was reactive, handling things as problems showed up. Since there was no consistency in our way of raising, things got complicated to the extent that we were lost on what exactly our role was as parents.
It took a while for us to realize that we were completely responsible for our kids. We were responsible for keeping them safe, feeding them well, nurturing their spirit, and giving them education for their growth. The biggest role of parents is to provide them with emotional support and monitor their character development. This is the part we completely neglected and where there wasn’t a consistent approach.
So where do we start? We started with the basic needs. Are we doing good in keeping them safe? We had to think about the times when they were on our watch and the times they were not on our watch. When they were with us, we made sure we treated them well, didn’t put fear in them, and were an example of respectful behavior. Just for this, I had to flush out my bad behaviors and replace them with better behavior that I would like kids to pick up.
We could reduce the times when they were not on our watch. That meant not leaving them in others’ houses especially when we didn’t know much about them, and not letting them play outside without our supervision until they learned to be responsible.
We also became more careful of what we fed them. The whole learning about what exactly a healthy meal is, what the nutritional values of the traditional meals we cooked had in them, the herbal ingredients and spices we used in the cooking, having a way of eating, etc. helped us to be better in nourishing the body. We always ate fresh home-cooked food. That cut down on eating out, social eating, etc.
We promote well-balanced education to learn math, science, history, geography, and languages that help in their brain development and to understand the world around them better. We didn’t want them to engage in aggressive information overload that typically happens in private schools. Since what they are learning in school is going to define their outlook, we wanted to be involved in their learning.
Kids are very quick to absorb the things that they see around them. Developing their sense of logic and value is important since we won’t be there with them all the time. Certain things they pick up without being conscious of it, sometimes they pick it up because it is cool without understanding the consequences, and sometimes they are confused and succumb to the pressure around them. That meant keeping an eye on them and observing their attitudes and behaviors.
Through them, I came to know my own behaviors. In the beginning, I refused to accept that they learned it from me. Later I realized that it was the same behavior but they multiplied it a few times more to make it dramatic. For example, when I showed impatient listening, they showed it back by adding some more drama to it, but it was the same. That made me watch my own behavior and I developed a way that made sense and worked.
As I learned better, my behavior changed. That brought more clarity and energy to understand kids’ behavior. Simply because I changed my behavior, I can’t tell that to kids and expect them to change immediately. Also, I can’t react to their bad behaviors as it makes the situation worse. I needed to show patience and tolerance and find a way to connect to their logic. It involves understanding where they are and their challenges by listening to them. As I showed consistency in listening to them and giving them a fair chance to express what they had to say, things started getting better. The end result is winning for both, they learned something better and I could show them something better.
A lot of times, I wished I could start all over again with a clear parent and kid structure. The lack of structure made it difficult to even communicate simple things. I had to take responsibility to teach them basic moral values like honesty, respect, and humility. That meant tolerating what I’m seeing now, making them see their behavior, and explaining what is expected of them. And being patient and consistent with them until they develop the way. I also needed to keep a check on my expectations and emotions so that I don’t fall into the ‘how many times do I need to tell you’ situation. It was a slow process of taking away bad habits that we allowed them to learn.
We lost the simple perspective that kids have no worldly experience to the level of parents, they don’t have the responsibility as parents, they don’t earn money and they can’t live by themselves. There were so many times they argued their way that didn’t make any sense. We realized the risk of parents not taking their place. When they really need parents’ intervention either to bring them out of a bad place or any bad influence, we can’t be of much help. Realizing how risky and unfair it is, as parents we stepped up and took our place. That meant making a call no matter how it made them feel. We will give them a fair chance to express their idea and listen, but it is our call to make a decision and take responsibility for it. At times we do ask their opinion on various things so that they are also engaged in the decision-making process. It is fun to watch their thinking process mature as they grow.
I had to really learn a way to communicate with kids. Being kids they were pulled by various things of interest, so it was hard to bring their attention so that I could say what I wanted to convey. That’s when I became impatient. I had to wait for the moment to get their attention. Once I got their attention, I made them see that I was trying to help them to be better. And then having the conversation by asking simple questions so that they see what I’m trying to say. That means giving away the one-sided preaching type of communication. As this became consistent and left them with clarity they became more open and receptive to talk to me. Even during conversation, they would quickly let me know if I was not clear. It was important that I was clear and sure of what I wanted to express. It is seeing the right way for them and bringing them towards that way.
We also had to let go of the ‘carrot and stick’ based way to bring change in their behavior. We noticed that it was not long-lasting and made it complicated as if bad behavior was an option. It is teaching them a way that brings good results that they can do whether we are there with them or not. Any behavior change based on understanding and self-discipline is long-lasting.
Most of the time, we used to deal with problems as it showed up. And it was not always the right time to teach them. So what is it that we should teach them so that we don’t face too many conflicting situations? We asked a simple question: how do we want to see them as a grown-up man? That made us look beyond where they are right now and have a broader perspective. If we are not doing anything to instill that character in them now, most likely we can’t expect that when they grow up to be a man. We do want them to walk out of the home knowing how to live well, be good, and carry themselves well. The way of living with moral codes is what we want them to have. At that point, it became an everyday thing to be engaged with them in teaching and instilling character.
As part of raising them, we needed to make them realize that their choices had consequences. As parents, we can tolerate their less-than-best choices but in the real world, they can’t expect any tolerance for stupid choices. One time when kids were doing a candy machine project, emotions flared up and they started hurting each other. Master Bell addressed it and asked kids what could be a good reminder for them so that similar incidents don’t happen again. After much hesitation, they said they needed to stop the candy machine project. I watched their behavior during and after that conversation. It was hard for them to let it go but they accepted it. This incident gave them a good sense of reality and learned the implications of their choices. This incident made me step up and be there for them reminding the consequences of less than best behavior in the real world. It means sometimes, taking them to the extreme end of the same behavior so that they can see it clearly.
Kids spend significant time in school outside of home. They get to see a range of students coming from all different backgrounds. In addition to getting their education, they form their own view of the world and life. How they come back from school, what they learned in school, and anything that got their attention or they couldn’t understand, are some of the things we ask and look for. Regularly we talk to them to get a better understanding of what went on in school. This was beneficial to both of us. This is our way to stay connected to their world.
Apart from education, they engage themselves in other creative activities like singing, drawing, and playing piano. We allow them to explore different creative fields and support them in their exploration and expression.
Growing up in America, having access to all the amenities and resources, it is easy to get lost. It is important for them to see how different industries are vying to intrude on their life: soda, sugar, food, wellness, entertainment, Facebook, Google, mobile companies, game companies, etc. Teaching them to be in charge of their needs and choices is important. We are being an example by not allowing all these industries to intrude into our lives unnecessarily.
Being a parent helped me to see myself from a completely different angle. It brought out both the best and the worst in me. When my worst was brought to light, I learned to humbly accept it despite challenges and use that opportunity to be better. It increased my awareness of how I carry myself in front of them. As my level of patience, tolerance, and understanding increased, it brought satisfaction to me. When they are mentally very active, bringing them to a quiet place allows me to see their best self. That allowed me to enjoy them more. As Master Bell reminded us multiple times, one day they will fly away. I flew away from my home, it is not going to be anything different with them. This moment is to let my offspring experience me and me getting to know them.